Smile!

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody

wears shoes here!"

Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.
Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

I got a job in a work-out-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Chemistry is physics without thought.
Mathematics is physics without purpose.

Resume Bloopers

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

EMPLOYER'S LINGO:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

·  An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

·  An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

·  A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

·  An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

·  A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Some Riddles

How many Psych NPs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists? They were arch rivals.

Success is...

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment.

"It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and made things happen." - Elinor Smith

Words to live by:

Chinese Proverb: Happiness Quotations
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.

"People's behavior makes sense if you think about it in terms of their goals, needs, and motives." - Thomas Mann

"Did you know that the Chinese symbol for 'crisis' includes a symbol which means 'opportunity'? - Jane Revell & Susan Norman

George Carlin's Reflections on Life: (just a few)

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.